Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
I know it's VERY late and i know i may have burdened you, but on the chance that it's sat nite- are you up or willing to be? Christinas camping and i'm chillin alone.
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Randomize
