at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
Randomize
