I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Randomize
