I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
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