go do what you do best...puke behind churches
ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Randomize
