My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Randomize
