I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
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