Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
Randomize
