If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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