I want to make a zoo with you.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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