your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
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