just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
