At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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