I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
