Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
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