The beer is more important than you right now.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
I need a hoe opinion
go on
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
