My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Randomize
