if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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