My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
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was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
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I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.