we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
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