maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
