It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
I think I sprained my soul last night
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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