i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Randomize
