I'm going to rape someone's good day.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
Randomize
