Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
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