You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
