My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
