God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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