I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
foreskin is a definite game changer
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
