I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize
