i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Randomize