Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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