I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Randomize
