I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
