you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
Randomize
