is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Randomize
