He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
