walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
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see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
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I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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