Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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