He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
he fucked my hip out of place.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
