I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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