Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
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