just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
you will always have a special place in my vag
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
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