You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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