i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
