Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
