i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
She's the barista slut.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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