i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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