**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
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I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
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Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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