there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
Randomize
