I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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