It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
