it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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