I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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