i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
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